Sunday, October 2, 2011
Lily and I are settled into our room at the hospital. It's all been so great. Good doctors reports, nice doctors, happy nurses, toys! The only bad part is I haven't seen my original three in seven days and haven't seen Hope and Husband since Thursday. I miss them so much. Lily had two days of testing that were mostly fun. Then came admission day and the PICC line and ng tube. She was brave for a while getting the PICC line but then she lost it. We think it's because her arm had to be held down the whole time. The nurse later told us to please ask her not to pinch and squeeze and scratch her! Yikes. Sorry about that. So one Lily started crying (harder than we've ever seen her!) she couldn't stop even after they had. It took a little longer because they had to ask a specialist to make sure they hadn't got the line into an artery. The PICC line is tiny tubing that runs into her arm and near her heart to dispense meds and fluids. Later they told us that most people have a certain RVC on one side, and that Lily's is on the other. They said it's different but ok. And we were also told that we should've probably put her under anesthesia to do the line. But after everyone met her they all told us she'd do fine without it and we agreed. She just panicked in there so now unfortunately she has a lot of fear of shots and nurses and doctors and tubes. So fresh out of the scary PICC room, Lily had to get a tiny tube inserted in her nose to her tummy. At this point she was getting the understanding that surgery IS NOT FUN like she thought! She screamed while they quickly and impressively shoved the tube down. And the golightly started. This was to clean her out for the surgery. Now we were getting looks like she wanted to go home and the Big O was better than this!!! The next day surgery went as scheduled. But when Lily woke up, she was in a lot of pain and she was mad! For the next two days I got many mean and confused and sad looks. It was so hard. She kept asking for water! She hadn't barely had any water in the last two days. You could tell any other child would probably be screaming kicking and crying but because little Lily has learned to keep her feelings hidden she just wanted to ball up and not look at anyone. Sad. Now here we are on Sunday, three days after the surgery and she is happy and not even taking any pain meds! I couldn't believe it when Dr. Pena said most kids feel great after two days but it's true! Lily just has to move slow to avoid busting the stitches. Her digestive system is on rest as she gets fluids and milky looking stuff into her PICC line. She hasn't asked me for water or food at all! I have to sneak around, drinking water in the bathroom, as if I'm a closet smoker!! I'm a closet water drinker!!! Actually I'm a bathroom water drinker! Ugh that sounds disgusting!! I slip out to eat lunch and dinner and skip breakfast. The first time I left I was so scared Lily would cry or panic or need changing or MISS ME....hopefully. So I scarfed down my food and ran back up. When I entered the room she was smiling and there was a new movie on, new toys, and her linens had been changed. She said, "Mommy, I push a wed button and got toys and movie!" Oh, of course! Why would I think that my little independent survivor Lily would not get her needs met! Lol! Needless to say, I've stretched out my lunch and dinners. Since when I say that I'm leaving for a few minutes a big smile she cannot contain creeps on her face. I know she loves me and we are bonding more every day, but the truth is, Lily has lived almost 10 years without someone helping or nurturing her much. She's a self made girl and I respect that about her. I raise my three original kids to be independent. So I shouldn't complain because Lily is. Maybe she will never revert to being needy. I don't know. Maybe our relationship will be different than mine with Phoebe or Hope. Or maybe it's too soon to tell. But I'm ok either way, I'm not going to put unrealistic expectations on her. And while I wish she would need me and want me more, the fact is I was not there in those formative years when they have to feel security and nurture and comfort from their mommy. But me and Lil (as I've started calling her and she says, "wha? Ma why u say Lil?") are doing good and having some great bonding time! I sleep in her bed at night and she occasionally will turn towards me and snuggle as I rub her back. I'm grateful her first surgery is done. The doctor said her diagnosis was a vestibular fistula and that he sees many patients from China with this birth defect. Mostly females. But now Lily is all better after having to deal with this as her normal for her life. She is brave and smart and strong. I wish her biological mother could know that we finally got Lily's surgery. I'm sure being born with this could possible be the reason Lily was abandoned. This surgery and stay is costing a lot of money. Maybe they couldn't have afforded it. I wish that they could see a photo of her now! Husband says if her biological parents could see her now they would know they made the right decision to give her up. Look at her now!