Thursday, May 17, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Money
When I was little I can remember asking my mom why people say to never talk about religion or politics. As I got older I realized that my personality is such to want to go to those topics first and avoid small talk. I've always wanted to talk about deep things and to get to the heart of matters. Added to religion and politics, I have realized money is another thing people don't want to talk about.
When it comes to adoption, money has to be talked about. After we started the adoption process I started reading adoption blogs, all day every day. First, I was intrigued by how many adoption blogs there were! Second I noticed how many people who adopt fundraise. At first this was an odd thing for me. I can remember one of my sisters asking about this too. In my mind I thought, when I got pregnant I didn't ask anyone for money. So why is this different? As we started the paper pregnancy I quickly realized that the amount of money you need upfront for adoption can be enough to make anyone change their mind about fundraising.
If you wanted to adopt from China right now, the estimated cost is anywhere from $27,000 to $39,000, depending on if one or both parents travel and other factors. In our case, we added Lily to that cost, and we decided to take our entire family plus Adri (to help us with our five kids in a foreign country) to China with us. We wanted the kids to be a part of the entire process, and give them the experience to know where Hope and Lily came from so that they would have more compassion on them to aid in the bonding process. Our adoption of Hope and Lily cost around $60,000. You can go here and see the breakdown of why it costs so much. We didn't have that much money outside of our normal expenses that we already had for a family of five. So we sent out support letters and made cupcakes! The support we got from people was so precious and overwhelming. We had someone prophesy over us that the money would come from unexpected places. And we continually saw people giving us large amounts of money, some people we barely knew, others that we knew it was a huge step of faith to give away so much money. We never got more money than we needed....we always got just enough. God ALWAYS provided. I think in the end, towards that $60,000 we ended up receiving about $25,000 from people supporting us. INCREDIBLE!! Where would we have gotten that money???? I don't know. God provided! And Husband worked crazy hours, many times 18 hours a day, so that we could meet payment deadlines and such.
When we switched to special needs we never thought about escalating costs. Never. God protected our minds from being burdened by the natural and kept us thinking about Hope and Lily's destinies. Our first year home with them included many extra expenses. Last year Hope had 2 surgeries and Lily had 1. Of course we have insurance (about $900 a month for our family) but even still, the costs were great. Many times we were paying for traveling, hotels, meals, and extra x-rays, blood tests, sonograms, and such not covered. We must've made about 10 trips to Dallas for Hope's appointments and a couple to Cincinnati for Lily's surgery. And we spent about $3000 on Lily's teeth last year (we don't have dental insurance because we've always thought it wasn't worth it so if you think otherwise let me know a good plan). But God always provided. And we are grateful for family members who helped us last year with medical costs.
When we were going through the adoption it's hard to talk about finances. You don't want people to think that you are complaining or begging for money or for people to think why did you get yourself into this mess if you couldn't afford it! But since we are out of the process, I wanted to be very vocal about it. For others' sake. One of my passions now for the rest of my life now is orphan care. It's in my being deep!! And one of the greatest lacks I see is financial support for people who are adopting.
In our case, we did not lack support. We had SO many people give and give and give! We feel so grateful and so blessed. But I have heard from countless people who HAVE THE HEART to adopt, that they just cannot afford it. To me, the heart and calling to adopt is the hardest to come by! Money should be easy!
I realize that people already give to the church, to charities, and such. Many people have a child from Compassion International they support monthly. You may give to people like Joyce Meyer whose orphan care is outstanding. You may pay your neighbor's house note every month. But I am suggesting that you consider supporting adoption fundraising monthly. In the church I go to it seems like every few months there is a new family announcing their decision to adopt. Some of you may know Troy and Julie Stafford. They are in the beginning stages of adopting from Ethiopia. They are paying thousands of dollars every time you turn around just to meet deadlines. Others may know Rob and Christy Snellar, who've just announced they are adopting a little American girl next month! Such short notice because God provided this amazing opportunity for them out of the blue. And yet, in the midst of everyone's joy and excitement for them, each night they think about and pray for God to provide over $10,000 that is needed within 2 months!
Some other friends of ours, Caleb and Becca David have adopted two children from Africa. There second adoption mounted to over $50,000 because often times your journey to Ethiopia can be extended due to waiting on court dates and approvals. I know that they couldn't both stay in Ethiopia for that many months so Becca had to buy another flight home and such. Lots of expenses come up that are unplanned. And another friend of ours got to Russia and instead of adopting ONE child, the Lord directed them to TWINS! They were needing thousands of dollars by the next day, and they were in RUSSIA! Adoption is many things. It is life-changing, it is supernatural, it is precious and perfect! Adoption is also very very expensive.
My heart is that the Body of Christ would clear out the foster systems and orphanages of the world. It's possible you know. We heard that if 7% of professing Christians in the world would adopt then there would be NO MORE CHILDREN without moms and dads! No more orphans! SEVEN PERCENT! I don't believe everyone is called to adopt. But I do believe we are all called to orphan care. And a huge and effective way we can be involved is to give. $5.00 or $500.00! Anything!
So many of you reading my blog gave to us. We are so grateful. We could not have done it without you. I can remember coming home from China. A slew of friends were waiting at the airport to meet us!! A bunch of people had given our home an extreme home makeover!!! I know that I've heard it many times before from the pulpit and it sounds like such a cliche I know.....but WHEN YOU GIVE TO HELP CHANGE AN ORPHAN'S LIFE, YOU ARE PART OF THEIR ETERNAL DESTINY!. The people that gave us money and support and prayers for Hope and Lily have a part in their precious story of redemption!!!
So that's my bit about money. Anyone wanna talk politics or religion??
When it comes to adoption, money has to be talked about. After we started the adoption process I started reading adoption blogs, all day every day. First, I was intrigued by how many adoption blogs there were! Second I noticed how many people who adopt fundraise. At first this was an odd thing for me. I can remember one of my sisters asking about this too. In my mind I thought, when I got pregnant I didn't ask anyone for money. So why is this different? As we started the paper pregnancy I quickly realized that the amount of money you need upfront for adoption can be enough to make anyone change their mind about fundraising.
If you wanted to adopt from China right now, the estimated cost is anywhere from $27,000 to $39,000, depending on if one or both parents travel and other factors. In our case, we added Lily to that cost, and we decided to take our entire family plus Adri (to help us with our five kids in a foreign country) to China with us. We wanted the kids to be a part of the entire process, and give them the experience to know where Hope and Lily came from so that they would have more compassion on them to aid in the bonding process. Our adoption of Hope and Lily cost around $60,000. You can go here and see the breakdown of why it costs so much. We didn't have that much money outside of our normal expenses that we already had for a family of five. So we sent out support letters and made cupcakes! The support we got from people was so precious and overwhelming. We had someone prophesy over us that the money would come from unexpected places. And we continually saw people giving us large amounts of money, some people we barely knew, others that we knew it was a huge step of faith to give away so much money. We never got more money than we needed....we always got just enough. God ALWAYS provided. I think in the end, towards that $60,000 we ended up receiving about $25,000 from people supporting us. INCREDIBLE!! Where would we have gotten that money???? I don't know. God provided! And Husband worked crazy hours, many times 18 hours a day, so that we could meet payment deadlines and such.
When we switched to special needs we never thought about escalating costs. Never. God protected our minds from being burdened by the natural and kept us thinking about Hope and Lily's destinies. Our first year home with them included many extra expenses. Last year Hope had 2 surgeries and Lily had 1. Of course we have insurance (about $900 a month for our family) but even still, the costs were great. Many times we were paying for traveling, hotels, meals, and extra x-rays, blood tests, sonograms, and such not covered. We must've made about 10 trips to Dallas for Hope's appointments and a couple to Cincinnati for Lily's surgery. And we spent about $3000 on Lily's teeth last year (we don't have dental insurance because we've always thought it wasn't worth it so if you think otherwise let me know a good plan). But God always provided. And we are grateful for family members who helped us last year with medical costs.
When we were going through the adoption it's hard to talk about finances. You don't want people to think that you are complaining or begging for money or for people to think why did you get yourself into this mess if you couldn't afford it! But since we are out of the process, I wanted to be very vocal about it. For others' sake. One of my passions now for the rest of my life now is orphan care. It's in my being deep!! And one of the greatest lacks I see is financial support for people who are adopting.
In our case, we did not lack support. We had SO many people give and give and give! We feel so grateful and so blessed. But I have heard from countless people who HAVE THE HEART to adopt, that they just cannot afford it. To me, the heart and calling to adopt is the hardest to come by! Money should be easy!
I realize that people already give to the church, to charities, and such. Many people have a child from Compassion International they support monthly. You may give to people like Joyce Meyer whose orphan care is outstanding. You may pay your neighbor's house note every month. But I am suggesting that you consider supporting adoption fundraising monthly. In the church I go to it seems like every few months there is a new family announcing their decision to adopt. Some of you may know Troy and Julie Stafford. They are in the beginning stages of adopting from Ethiopia. They are paying thousands of dollars every time you turn around just to meet deadlines. Others may know Rob and Christy Snellar, who've just announced they are adopting a little American girl next month! Such short notice because God provided this amazing opportunity for them out of the blue. And yet, in the midst of everyone's joy and excitement for them, each night they think about and pray for God to provide over $10,000 that is needed within 2 months!
Some other friends of ours, Caleb and Becca David have adopted two children from Africa. There second adoption mounted to over $50,000 because often times your journey to Ethiopia can be extended due to waiting on court dates and approvals. I know that they couldn't both stay in Ethiopia for that many months so Becca had to buy another flight home and such. Lots of expenses come up that are unplanned. And another friend of ours got to Russia and instead of adopting ONE child, the Lord directed them to TWINS! They were needing thousands of dollars by the next day, and they were in RUSSIA! Adoption is many things. It is life-changing, it is supernatural, it is precious and perfect! Adoption is also very very expensive.
My heart is that the Body of Christ would clear out the foster systems and orphanages of the world. It's possible you know. We heard that if 7% of professing Christians in the world would adopt then there would be NO MORE CHILDREN without moms and dads! No more orphans! SEVEN PERCENT! I don't believe everyone is called to adopt. But I do believe we are all called to orphan care. And a huge and effective way we can be involved is to give. $5.00 or $500.00! Anything!
So many of you reading my blog gave to us. We are so grateful. We could not have done it without you. I can remember coming home from China. A slew of friends were waiting at the airport to meet us!! A bunch of people had given our home an extreme home makeover!!! I know that I've heard it many times before from the pulpit and it sounds like such a cliche I know.....but WHEN YOU GIVE TO HELP CHANGE AN ORPHAN'S LIFE, YOU ARE PART OF THEIR ETERNAL DESTINY!. The people that gave us money and support and prayers for Hope and Lily have a part in their precious story of redemption!!!
So that's my bit about money. Anyone wanna talk politics or religion??
Sunday, April 29, 2012
One small year for mankind. One giant leap for Lily!
Tonight I was trying on Lily's swimsuits from last year. I was amazed at how much she has filled out. We think she was hollow! When we got her last year she was 9 and a half years old and 43 and a half inches tall and I think she weighed about 35 pounds. So she was about the size of a 4 year old. All the clothes I brought to China for her to wear were size 6 and 7. She was much smaller than I remembered. Much. Daniel said the first time he saw her he was in shock how little his 9 year old daughter was! She also seemed out of it that night. We both thought immediately that she was smaller and not as strong in mind that we had hoped and thought.
Now today, as Lily stood there in her size 6-7 bathing suit that she filled out, I squeezed her thighs and thought how much she has grown! She loves to push out her tummy and grab her thighs and show off her "healthyness" because last year we would tell her she had to drink her protein shakes so she would grow and she feels proud of them! So now Lily weighs about 46 pounds and she has grown about 2 inches!
Here's a glimpse of Lily then and now:
Last year she never spoke! I don't think she said two words in the orphanage. And now she is fluent in English and is speaking so well that I am now starting to get picky with her speech to help her advance. I cannot believe how well she has done with her speech!
Last year she HATED cheese, milk, yogurt, etc., so much so that she would sulk and refuse to eat if her taco accidentially had 7 shreds of cheese on it. Now SHE EATS EVERYTHING YOU PUT IN FRONT OF HER EXCEPT RED CABBAGE!
Last year she would sulk and give me mean eyes and act like she didn't like my food but she would say she loved other people's food! Now she helps me cook and at every meal says, "Ma, I looooove you cook!" (Praise GOD!!)
Last year she felt competition with Rob for Daddy's attention and they didn't get along. Today is much better and their relationship is stronger and growing.
Last year she couldn't stand Phoebe even though Phoebe had waited for the day she met her with huge expecations of how much they would love each other! Today is better, and we now realize that the gap is too wide (only 2 years in age but much more in intellect) and that she is much closer to Johnny in mind-age and behavior. Johnny and Lily are close. Johnny is fun and Lily really likes him! She asks to sleep with him on the weekends. Sometimes he says yes and sometimes he makes her sleep on the floor! She doesn't care.
Last year she hated me to blow dry her hair. Now she is able to appreciate she has a mommy fixing her hair in a darling bob with a roll brush every morning or in pony tails to make daddy smile.
Last year she always wanted to go be or live with anyone else who walked through the door who looked fun and gave her attention. Now she is happy here....we think!
Last year she would go up to every grown man or adolescent boy she saw and would outstretch her arms for them to pick her up (and they would) and she would get as close as she could to them and totally invade their personal space! Now she knows she only has one daddy and that is the only man she is supposed to do that too unless Poppa Sol or uncles extend their arms to her first. (This was a biggie. But I have really been working on this one because I want her to learn how to act with males so she doesn't grow up and seek attention from every male she meets. Husband is the perfect father for her too. He really loves her and gives her attention.)
Last year she hoarded strawberries in odd drawers around the house. Now she knows she will get fed every day!
Last year she slept in socks, flannel pajamas, and three blankets in the heat of summer. SHE STILL DOES!
Last year she acted like a Chinese princess and like she had been raised in royalty and had certain preferences and didn't feel like she should have to sit in the back of the car or go to bed earlier than Phoebe. She still does! But getting better. The other day she was complaining about laying down in the grass to take a photo but I don't think she had but a couple of baths a month in her life before us!
Last year she didn't want to share anything she had because she never had anything before. Now she shares with everyone.
Lily has come a long way. She is precious. Every single day I thank God that He gave us Lily and gave Lily to us. I am still so heartbroken that she had to spend 9 and a half years in an orphanage. Although I feel they kept her alive and free from disease, I am not sure of anything else. Her feelings were buried so far down deep without her that we are still working on getting them going.
Last year she would cheer and smile and laugh with joy when strangers or family members hurt themselves. Now she understands that that is not the correct response and she should act like she has compassion.
Compassion is a big one. I guess when no one around you your whole life cares about you or shows you love or nurturing then how on earth are you supposed to care about anyone else? Protective measures kicked in and they kept her alive, but they are so deep and thick that we are just starting to see them weaken. But thanks to our continual love and to her incredible teachers at school (who she probably likes way more than me, but that's ok for now) Lily is seeing and feeling love and she is starting to show love. She has friends now that she cares about and she has started caring about her belongings. One day one of her school papers that is important to her teacher got crumpled by Po and Lily got tears in her eyes. Do you know how many times Lily has cried in the past year???? Maybe 5. And that was when she got seriously in trouble for something and Daddy had to spank her and I believe she cried because it hurt and then because he wraps her up in his arms and the love just oozes out of him and she cannot handle what she is feeling! In fact, after she has gotten a spanking and Daniel loves on her is about the only times in the past year that we can see the walls come down and her eyes change.
Her eyes. They are not black or dark like most Chinese. In fact, she has brown hair too. Not black like most Chinese. I've concluded she is Mongolian. I can call her whatever I like! She's my kid and no one can disprove me! But her eyes are the one thing to me that makes me the saddest. Her body is gaining weight. Her bones are growing and hopefully she will grow to a better height than if we had not gotten her. Her body has muscle now. Before she couldn't walk more than about 10 steps and she would just stop, hold up her arms to Daniel and look at him like, "I'm not going another step so you have no choice but to carry me," which he did...all around China. At first we thought she couldn't walk due to pain from her hip dysplasia. It's like she was AFRAID to walk. She just wouldn't. Now I realize that she probably walked about 5 steps per day her whole life. And that was maybe around her room.
But her eyes, her eyes to me keep all the pain of her life in them. Windows to the soul....and her soul is hurt and injured and sad. Even after a year of wonderful imporovements beyond measure physically, educationally, and emotionally, she still tunes out when you try to talk to her about something of importance. She cannot hold her eyes fixed on you if you are trying to speak deep with her or correct her. She HATES when I correct her behavior or speech. HATES it. I can see in her drifting eyes and gasps. I don't blame her! Never getting her choice or the opportunity to try her whole life. I make her look at me. A lot. It's very uncomfortable to her. I tell her sweet things that are true and deep and eternal. You can tell by her blank eyes that her mind is searching every part of itself trying to find a place where deep meaningful things belong. There was never a place for those things before. That's too risky and painful to open that part of your mind up. And yet, that is the part we will not relent on until we feel that connection has been made.
My love for Lily has always been constant. From the day I met her at her orphanage the year before we adopted her, God made a Lily-shaped place in my heart for her. I have so much compassion and love for her. I still think of that little sad girl in those photos from her past and it tears me up. It makes me mad honestly. Mad that so many children are in orphanages without anyone to touch and love them and meet those needs SO VITAL when they are in those first few years that they may never recover from the neglect. I am thankful for her orphanage for doing all they knew to do. I won't go into all my feelings about that because bottom line is, they kept her alive until we got her. Children are so important because they are HELPLESS. Lily couldn't help the situation she ended up in and she was jsut at the mercy of her care givers. So many children are. And I love Lily as my own. I always have. I would give my life for her. I will give my life's love and energy to raise her and stay close with her forever. And now, Lily is learning to like me. Her teacher says she talks and responds about me as if she really likes me. And I know that the only reason she didn't like me in the beginning was because I was a female and that's all she had ever known in her life and those before me had not showed love and affection to her.
I still need to work on my affection with Lily. I am just not a very affectionate person to begin with. And I've always found it easier to be more affectionate with my boys than Phoebe. I am praying that God will help me in this way because I know Lily needs me to be more affectionate. In the beginning because she was so mean to me then I didn't want to cuddle with her (not that she wanted me to). So now that she is responding to me, I have got to make up for lost time. Honestly for the first 9 months I was trying to figure her out. I thought she was cunning and manipulative and mean. But she was only acitng that way to ME (and Phoebe). But now I don't think she was really that way. Because although I do think she is smart, I don't think she was smart enough to play games with me like I thought she was. I just think we got off to such a dreadful start, and I just needed to be the bigger person and respond as if she was nice to me and like me, but I didn't do that. I took offense and was so hurt by her actions towards me.
Now I don't. I truly, openly, humbly have asked God to help me parent her right, not take offense, and love her regardless since the day we got her in China and she snubbed me. And I do believe He has changed me and helped me. It has not been easy, but it's worth it. And now, Lily and I are in a fantastic place right now. Things are better every single day. I am feeling more and more like she is my daughter forever and I think she really likes having a mother.
I will apologize to her as she reads my blog when she's older that I took offense. And hopefully she will apologize for giving me evil eyes over Husband's back all the time!!! Just kidding. I forgive! I do!!
Im excited about Lily's life. She has done so well in K-4. Her teacher has pushed her and she has even started READING. She will be 11 years old in K-5 next school year but since she looks 5, it shouldn't be a problem. Actually there is nothing about her that is 10 years old right now. Well, maybe her teeth. She might be a Kindergartener with braces! Fun! But Lily is Lily. And the great thing about her NOT CARING about what others think, or really, not even being aware that others DO think about things, is that she doesn't care that she is 10 and in K-4. She's not embarassed of ANYTHING!!!! We try to embarass her sometimes.... "Lily, if you don't brush good your breath will smell bad when you get right in people' faces like you do!" Nothing. It doesn't phase the girl! She's quite the self-confident gal!!
I REALLY REALLY believe in my mind that she was a little hurt, neglected girl who stared at the wall in one room her whole life, never walking, never running (she couldn't), never jumping (she didn't know how, we taught her!), and never going outside (she was AFRAID to walk on the grass in our backyard. REALLY afraid, almost kicking and screaming. And I think that the day we got off that bus at 10 pm that night in Lanzhou and walked into that hotel and I took her in my arms and her face in my hands, that she was reborn. In only the way that God can do. Kinda like a new creation. He makes all things new! And Lily is new. She's learning things quickly, but she had to start from scratch. And so many things Po does to me, I realize Lily is on the same level in many ways. And she needs me to respond to her the same way I respond to Po. She doesn't need to advance quickly in school and grow up fast. She needs to be LITTLE as long as she can. She needs to have everything that loved infants and toddlers get. It's not fair to her that all tha gets skipped. I joked with her after her surgery on her bottom last year when I had to change her diapers that God gave me that opportunity to change her diapers since I missed the first go round! Ok, been there, done that. Moving on.
So I just wanted to try to express for mine and Lily's future remembrance how this year has been and where we are now. I am so thankful for Lily. My little wild, stubborn, independent, self-confident Chinese daughter. Not too unlike her momma and her sisters! God knew I could handle her. And I think I am finally starting to. In the right way!
I wish that everyone would adopt. Adopting Hope (at 14 months) has been so easy and rewarding and fun. Adopting Lily at 9 has been hard, but it is so eternally impacting that it overwhelms me so much I can hardly think about it without seeing spiritual parallels. Because Lily was chosen by us and now her life is full of love and provision. And I cannot get over how God did that for me!!! And I feel like He has showed me so much about His and my relationship through Lily. I really feel like it has helped me love and appreciate God more. He has blessed me and Daniel greatly through Lily. And I wish I could tell everyone to adopt older children but knowing how hard it is, I am not sure many people would knowingly go into that. Many people do, but I would not want to "convince them." But to "take a chance" on someone....like little Lily....is one of the greatest risks anyone could take!
I know there are so many more Lilys that need someone. Where are all the risk takers? Maybe God is calling you to be one?
Now today, as Lily stood there in her size 6-7 bathing suit that she filled out, I squeezed her thighs and thought how much she has grown! She loves to push out her tummy and grab her thighs and show off her "healthyness" because last year we would tell her she had to drink her protein shakes so she would grow and she feels proud of them! So now Lily weighs about 46 pounds and she has grown about 2 inches!
Here's a glimpse of Lily then and now:
Last year she never spoke! I don't think she said two words in the orphanage. And now she is fluent in English and is speaking so well that I am now starting to get picky with her speech to help her advance. I cannot believe how well she has done with her speech!
Last year she HATED cheese, milk, yogurt, etc., so much so that she would sulk and refuse to eat if her taco accidentially had 7 shreds of cheese on it. Now SHE EATS EVERYTHING YOU PUT IN FRONT OF HER EXCEPT RED CABBAGE!
Last year she would sulk and give me mean eyes and act like she didn't like my food but she would say she loved other people's food! Now she helps me cook and at every meal says, "Ma, I looooove you cook!" (Praise GOD!!)
Last year she felt competition with Rob for Daddy's attention and they didn't get along. Today is much better and their relationship is stronger and growing.
Last year she couldn't stand Phoebe even though Phoebe had waited for the day she met her with huge expecations of how much they would love each other! Today is better, and we now realize that the gap is too wide (only 2 years in age but much more in intellect) and that she is much closer to Johnny in mind-age and behavior. Johnny and Lily are close. Johnny is fun and Lily really likes him! She asks to sleep with him on the weekends. Sometimes he says yes and sometimes he makes her sleep on the floor! She doesn't care.
Last year she hated me to blow dry her hair. Now she is able to appreciate she has a mommy fixing her hair in a darling bob with a roll brush every morning or in pony tails to make daddy smile.
Last year she always wanted to go be or live with anyone else who walked through the door who looked fun and gave her attention. Now she is happy here....we think!
Last year she would go up to every grown man or adolescent boy she saw and would outstretch her arms for them to pick her up (and they would) and she would get as close as she could to them and totally invade their personal space! Now she knows she only has one daddy and that is the only man she is supposed to do that too unless Poppa Sol or uncles extend their arms to her first. (This was a biggie. But I have really been working on this one because I want her to learn how to act with males so she doesn't grow up and seek attention from every male she meets. Husband is the perfect father for her too. He really loves her and gives her attention.)
Last year she hoarded strawberries in odd drawers around the house. Now she knows she will get fed every day!
Last year she slept in socks, flannel pajamas, and three blankets in the heat of summer. SHE STILL DOES!
Last year she acted like a Chinese princess and like she had been raised in royalty and had certain preferences and didn't feel like she should have to sit in the back of the car or go to bed earlier than Phoebe. She still does! But getting better. The other day she was complaining about laying down in the grass to take a photo but I don't think she had but a couple of baths a month in her life before us!
Last year she didn't want to share anything she had because she never had anything before. Now she shares with everyone.
Lily has come a long way. She is precious. Every single day I thank God that He gave us Lily and gave Lily to us. I am still so heartbroken that she had to spend 9 and a half years in an orphanage. Although I feel they kept her alive and free from disease, I am not sure of anything else. Her feelings were buried so far down deep without her that we are still working on getting them going.
Last year she would cheer and smile and laugh with joy when strangers or family members hurt themselves. Now she understands that that is not the correct response and she should act like she has compassion.
Compassion is a big one. I guess when no one around you your whole life cares about you or shows you love or nurturing then how on earth are you supposed to care about anyone else? Protective measures kicked in and they kept her alive, but they are so deep and thick that we are just starting to see them weaken. But thanks to our continual love and to her incredible teachers at school (who she probably likes way more than me, but that's ok for now) Lily is seeing and feeling love and she is starting to show love. She has friends now that she cares about and she has started caring about her belongings. One day one of her school papers that is important to her teacher got crumpled by Po and Lily got tears in her eyes. Do you know how many times Lily has cried in the past year???? Maybe 5. And that was when she got seriously in trouble for something and Daddy had to spank her and I believe she cried because it hurt and then because he wraps her up in his arms and the love just oozes out of him and she cannot handle what she is feeling! In fact, after she has gotten a spanking and Daniel loves on her is about the only times in the past year that we can see the walls come down and her eyes change.
Her eyes. They are not black or dark like most Chinese. In fact, she has brown hair too. Not black like most Chinese. I've concluded she is Mongolian. I can call her whatever I like! She's my kid and no one can disprove me! But her eyes are the one thing to me that makes me the saddest. Her body is gaining weight. Her bones are growing and hopefully she will grow to a better height than if we had not gotten her. Her body has muscle now. Before she couldn't walk more than about 10 steps and she would just stop, hold up her arms to Daniel and look at him like, "I'm not going another step so you have no choice but to carry me," which he did...all around China. At first we thought she couldn't walk due to pain from her hip dysplasia. It's like she was AFRAID to walk. She just wouldn't. Now I realize that she probably walked about 5 steps per day her whole life. And that was maybe around her room.
But her eyes, her eyes to me keep all the pain of her life in them. Windows to the soul....and her soul is hurt and injured and sad. Even after a year of wonderful imporovements beyond measure physically, educationally, and emotionally, she still tunes out when you try to talk to her about something of importance. She cannot hold her eyes fixed on you if you are trying to speak deep with her or correct her. She HATES when I correct her behavior or speech. HATES it. I can see in her drifting eyes and gasps. I don't blame her! Never getting her choice or the opportunity to try her whole life. I make her look at me. A lot. It's very uncomfortable to her. I tell her sweet things that are true and deep and eternal. You can tell by her blank eyes that her mind is searching every part of itself trying to find a place where deep meaningful things belong. There was never a place for those things before. That's too risky and painful to open that part of your mind up. And yet, that is the part we will not relent on until we feel that connection has been made.
My love for Lily has always been constant. From the day I met her at her orphanage the year before we adopted her, God made a Lily-shaped place in my heart for her. I have so much compassion and love for her. I still think of that little sad girl in those photos from her past and it tears me up. It makes me mad honestly. Mad that so many children are in orphanages without anyone to touch and love them and meet those needs SO VITAL when they are in those first few years that they may never recover from the neglect. I am thankful for her orphanage for doing all they knew to do. I won't go into all my feelings about that because bottom line is, they kept her alive until we got her. Children are so important because they are HELPLESS. Lily couldn't help the situation she ended up in and she was jsut at the mercy of her care givers. So many children are. And I love Lily as my own. I always have. I would give my life for her. I will give my life's love and energy to raise her and stay close with her forever. And now, Lily is learning to like me. Her teacher says she talks and responds about me as if she really likes me. And I know that the only reason she didn't like me in the beginning was because I was a female and that's all she had ever known in her life and those before me had not showed love and affection to her.
I still need to work on my affection with Lily. I am just not a very affectionate person to begin with. And I've always found it easier to be more affectionate with my boys than Phoebe. I am praying that God will help me in this way because I know Lily needs me to be more affectionate. In the beginning because she was so mean to me then I didn't want to cuddle with her (not that she wanted me to). So now that she is responding to me, I have got to make up for lost time. Honestly for the first 9 months I was trying to figure her out. I thought she was cunning and manipulative and mean. But she was only acitng that way to ME (and Phoebe). But now I don't think she was really that way. Because although I do think she is smart, I don't think she was smart enough to play games with me like I thought she was. I just think we got off to such a dreadful start, and I just needed to be the bigger person and respond as if she was nice to me and like me, but I didn't do that. I took offense and was so hurt by her actions towards me.
Now I don't. I truly, openly, humbly have asked God to help me parent her right, not take offense, and love her regardless since the day we got her in China and she snubbed me. And I do believe He has changed me and helped me. It has not been easy, but it's worth it. And now, Lily and I are in a fantastic place right now. Things are better every single day. I am feeling more and more like she is my daughter forever and I think she really likes having a mother.
I will apologize to her as she reads my blog when she's older that I took offense. And hopefully she will apologize for giving me evil eyes over Husband's back all the time!!! Just kidding. I forgive! I do!!
Im excited about Lily's life. She has done so well in K-4. Her teacher has pushed her and she has even started READING. She will be 11 years old in K-5 next school year but since she looks 5, it shouldn't be a problem. Actually there is nothing about her that is 10 years old right now. Well, maybe her teeth. She might be a Kindergartener with braces! Fun! But Lily is Lily. And the great thing about her NOT CARING about what others think, or really, not even being aware that others DO think about things, is that she doesn't care that she is 10 and in K-4. She's not embarassed of ANYTHING!!!! We try to embarass her sometimes.... "Lily, if you don't brush good your breath will smell bad when you get right in people' faces like you do!" Nothing. It doesn't phase the girl! She's quite the self-confident gal!!
I REALLY REALLY believe in my mind that she was a little hurt, neglected girl who stared at the wall in one room her whole life, never walking, never running (she couldn't), never jumping (she didn't know how, we taught her!), and never going outside (she was AFRAID to walk on the grass in our backyard. REALLY afraid, almost kicking and screaming. And I think that the day we got off that bus at 10 pm that night in Lanzhou and walked into that hotel and I took her in my arms and her face in my hands, that she was reborn. In only the way that God can do. Kinda like a new creation. He makes all things new! And Lily is new. She's learning things quickly, but she had to start from scratch. And so many things Po does to me, I realize Lily is on the same level in many ways. And she needs me to respond to her the same way I respond to Po. She doesn't need to advance quickly in school and grow up fast. She needs to be LITTLE as long as she can. She needs to have everything that loved infants and toddlers get. It's not fair to her that all tha gets skipped. I joked with her after her surgery on her bottom last year when I had to change her diapers that God gave me that opportunity to change her diapers since I missed the first go round! Ok, been there, done that. Moving on.
So I just wanted to try to express for mine and Lily's future remembrance how this year has been and where we are now. I am so thankful for Lily. My little wild, stubborn, independent, self-confident Chinese daughter. Not too unlike her momma and her sisters! God knew I could handle her. And I think I am finally starting to. In the right way!
I wish that everyone would adopt. Adopting Hope (at 14 months) has been so easy and rewarding and fun. Adopting Lily at 9 has been hard, but it is so eternally impacting that it overwhelms me so much I can hardly think about it without seeing spiritual parallels. Because Lily was chosen by us and now her life is full of love and provision. And I cannot get over how God did that for me!!! And I feel like He has showed me so much about His and my relationship through Lily. I really feel like it has helped me love and appreciate God more. He has blessed me and Daniel greatly through Lily. And I wish I could tell everyone to adopt older children but knowing how hard it is, I am not sure many people would knowingly go into that. Many people do, but I would not want to "convince them." But to "take a chance" on someone....like little Lily....is one of the greatest risks anyone could take!
I know there are so many more Lilys that need someone. Where are all the risk takers? Maybe God is calling you to be one?
Friday, April 13, 2012
A letter to a friend...
The truth is, you could get a baby that has trouble. There is no guarantee that your baby will be "healthy" besides the cleft. However, when u adopt from the non special needs children there is really no guarantee. Also, when u give birth to a child there is no guarantee.
When we said yes to Lily we thought she was mentally retarded. Her medical records were extremely vague, outdated and terrifying! They said she was deaf and mentally challenged and obstinate. We spoke out loud every possible scenario. I said
-what if she doesn't grow
-what if she doesn't learn
-what if she can't potty by herself
-what if she lives with us forever
And we had to be able to say yes to all those things. Because there is no guarantee.
When u deliver a child u would never think of giving it back or leaving it at the hospital if something was wrong with it. It's YOUR baby. Forever. You have to be prepared when u say yes to the referral that that is the moment of delivery. Yours. Forever. No turning back. No matter what.
The devil woke me up in the middle of the night one night after we accepted Lily and Hope's referrals. He said to me very clearly, "What are you doing adopting them?! They will ruin your life!" I felt a heaviness in the room. It was the spirit of fear. I had to bind it and say I will not listen! I had to remind myself that no matter what they were MINE!!!
When I went to China and saw the children from the orphanage I was overcome with compassion. I no longer secretly hoped I would get a "cute" baby. I forgot how I used to hope for an "easy" special need. I saw about 60 children that needed families!! And I knew that my home, 2800 square feet 4 bedroom home might as well have been a palace! I started calculating if we put bunk beds in every room, 2 sets, then we could fit 12 kids in my kids' bedrooms! I started thinking about how we could forego private schooling and I could homeschool them to afford it. We could move out of the city to some land and have chickens with eggs! My mind was working overtime to rearrange mine and my dear husband's live to rescue these kids!!!
I texted these things to my husband who was thousands of miles away. I can remember hearing about the new iPhone coming out and Husband asking me if I wanted one. I was distraught in my hotel room in China grieving the futures of the unrescued children left when I leave, but it was true, the newest iPhone coming out was THE BIGGEST NEWS IN AMERICA at that moment. Sad.
It took me going over there myself to have this radical change of mind. But Husband did indeed have this same transformation just from me talking, crying, gasping, and texting a $400 phone bill those 10 days in China. So I know that God can give us that type of heart even if we cannot go over to see them firsthand.
Pray for that heart. For you. For your husband. That it would overtake you. No longer would you care about your needs. But theirs.
That is the only way you can guarantee that when you say yes to your referral that you will not look back. You will not doubt. You will choose to lay down your life no matter how easy or hard for this child. No matter what. Forever.
I hope this helps. Adoption is scary looking at it through human eyes. But when we see it through God's, we see the joy of redemption ahead and it compels us forward!
These children need someone who will step out in faith and say, no matter what, you are mine!
I love you and will pray for you!
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Lily likes me.
Lily has grown so much as well. Though her stature hasn't changed much, her mind has grown immensely. She has done so well in school (is on the k4 level and doing well), is learning to read (thanks to an incredible teacher), and knows the ropes of living in a family in America.
Lily likes me now. I can tell. When I think about last February (2011) and how much she didn't like me, I remember how far she's come. She couldn't stand for me to brush her teeth, wash her hair, and she never smiled at me. She would glare at me meanly while attached to Husband's hip. She would barely eat what I fed her and she certainly wouldn't admit to liking it. I remember one day I made lasagna. She scarfed it up and I could tell she wanted more. Finally she reluctantly asked for more. When I asked her if she liked it she looked at the floor and shook her head no.
Now Lily skips through the kitchen chanting things like, "Mmmm! Mommy cooking!" "Mommy I like-a your food!" "Ma I loooove you cookin!"
Lily doesn't remember when she was mean to me. Her memory seems to be weak. I think her mind has trained itself to forget bad stuff! The mean, carnal side of me wants to say, "oh Lily remember when you were so mean to me?! You should feel really bad about that!!!" And don't think that I don't have to work extremely hard to suppress that side which does show it face sometimes! But I realize that's wrong and it wouldn't do any good because she doesn't remember things in her past well.
I am still not sure Lily loves me or anyone for that matter. How does one learn how to love? Everyday I see Hope treating me like my three biological children did at that age. They know I'm their momma. Thy prefer me because I feed them and rock them and nurture them. I never had to say LOVE ME. They grew in love for me.
I believe Lily is growing in her ability to love. I think abstract things are hard for her. Husband agrees. I have struggled immensely this past year. I have fought to keep my mind sane and pure. I have struggled with laundry and cooking and cleaning. I have forgotten appointments and neglected involvement in my kids' schoolwork. I have felt like a bad friend to my friends. All because my mind is consumed with loving and mothering Lily the way I should. It doesn't come easy like I'm sure I might for other mothers. I have analyzed and read and prayed about it. It's hard to bring a 9 year old child into your family and expect it to be easy. While I feel God's grace on me and while the transition as a whole (and for our kids) has been almost effortless, it's been me who has been hit the hardest and had to work the most. Lily has always liked Husband and Husband has better qualities than me. He is gentle and sensitive and loving. He has been my example and rock through this year.
So this past year has been hard, BUT it's only been ONE year. And I can say that in JUST ONE YEAR look at far Lily and I have come! I don't want to be half a mom or just a nanny to her. I want she and I to connect and love each other deeply and richly. It's what I do in my relationships. Surface doesn't cut it. And I can see that when she looks at me now she likes me. And I like her. A lot. I love her. But I loved her from the start. But now I'm loving her as MY OWN CHILD. That takes time and time is ticking and every tick goes in our favor.
Adoption of an older child isn't easy. But it affects your deepest parts of you! And if you let God rule it (the way I'm trying) then He can make you more like HIM in the process (the way I'm asking and feeling). More of Him, less of me. More supernatural, less natural.
Lily is a precious perfect little girl whose life was miserable and sad and meaningless (in some eyes) before we came along to love her and introduce her to God. Isn't that my story as well? Isn't that all our stories in Christ? Loving Lily is a way I can return my love and gratefulness to God for what's He's done for me. And to see her come around and begin to let me into her heart as it becomes alive is something I
know comes straight from God. I bet God has been smiling down upon me the whole year, even when I was reacting wrongly and crying to Him. Because He knows what's ahead. He knows the ending. And (hopefully) He knows that I'm gonna get it together and be the Amy Renee He created me to be. I want nothing less. For my family, for me, for God.
By the way, I realize my posts on Lily can be not all butterflies and roses, but I have to express my feelings. I don't want to portray an inaccurate story of our adoption, even if it's hard. And I feel like its kind of like when you have a baby... When people see you they can tell that life is good. That your baby is precious and that you love them. But while that is true, you usually don't talk about the fact that you are battling post-pardum depression, haven't slept in months, have wrong feelings towards your dear husband just because he goes to work everyday, and cry because you feel fat. Right girls? So while what everyone sees at school and church is TRUE, adoption has it unspoken challenges. So if you have a friend who's going through adoption remember to be extra forgiving and loving to them!
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