Tuesday, October 4, 2011
My daughter Lily
Lily thinks she knows everything. I'm guessing it's part survival instincts from living in an orphanage her whole life and part in her genes. The parts are not equal, as everyday I think she just is who she is because she's Lily! I like her. A lot. She is hard not to like in fact. Even in China when I t rejected, she just was so cute and such a survivor that even when I wanted to not like her and not need her, I did. She often (daily) says "I can do ebbyting!" Instead of me coaxing her out of a corner and holding her meek little face in my hands and saying tearfully Lily you can do anything! Don't be scared! Momma believes in you! (no I didn't have any false expectations. What are you talking about?) Lily reminds me everyday of her self sufficiency and independence. This afternoon we were in her bed watching Blue's Clues and playing on her magna doodle she won at Bingo last night (it does feel like a retirement village here as all the house guests wheel their iv poles in their pjs to Bingo). Lily says, "Ma, I can draw anyting!" And in my motherly voice I say, "Of course Lily! You CAN draw anything!" So she starts drawing and when she shows me her sketch that resembles nothing she wide eyed says, "What is it Ma?!" I say, "Lily I don't know. Its nothing. I can't tell". Puzzled she looks at me and says in a way as if she is proving I did not tell her the truth, "Ma YOU say I can draw ANYTHING. What is it?!" This is life with Lily! It's my fault for not making something out of nothing! And she's right indeed! She makes me laugh a lot. With no one but each other we have been given the grand opportunity to bond and it is working. I've always loved Lily. From the day I saw her in the orphanage my love for her was eternal and true. But lately I've been loving her like I love my other kids. From what I've read it doesn't come instantly when you adopt an older child. Because they are strangers with their own personalities. It takes time. And this time together has really put us on the fast track. When we are at home there is always someone more fun to hang out with than me. I'm admittedly the least fun member of the family. I know. I know. Shocking. In fact I've never been more insecure in my life as a mother than the past 8 months. But I'm growing and learning and becoming more confident with my role in Lily's life. And I think she has grown to like me more this week. We spend 24 hours a day side by side. It's definitely a divine connection. I love little Lily. She is fun and bright and obedient and a true opportunist. I love how she thinks she knows it all and can do evrything! Reminds me of someone else. I feel more and more like God gave me a gift in Lily instead of a daughter. She's a surprise to me. Just like God. She never ceases to amaze me. And the more I'm with her the more I love her. I'm just so grateful we got her! Lily represents to me God's grace. That when He asks you to do something and you respond, no matter if it's challenging or not, there is a constant peace in your being because you obeyed. In fact her name Ning Li means peace. Wow. I just remembered that. Thanks God.