I usually don't cry very easily. Except when the song "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me comes on (yes, still i gets me, even after the billionth time)....it's hard to catch me crying. But that isn't the case lately. In fact, I cannot hold back the tears these days. I've never been OPPOSED to crying (although it does somewhat annoy me that lots of women are cry babies), it's just that I could separate the emotion or not even be bothered by the emotion. Some people have even called me UNSENTIMENTAL! (lol, it's true, I am unsentimental). But right now my heart is mush. In a good way though.
I always dreamed about the trip to get my adopted Chinese daughter. Would I like the way she smelled? Would she be somewhat attractive? Would I like her instantly? How long would it take for me to FEEL like she was my daughter? How long would it take for me to love her like Phoebe, Rob and Johnny? How different would the love for an adopted child be compared to the love I have for my babies I birthed?
These were questions that I thought...and Daniel and I MAYBE mentioned a bit....but since they all seemed to be a bit negative, it wasn't a hot topic. We just trusted that it would all work out. And in time, we would feel like they were really our daughters.
Well, it has worked out just fine and way ahead of schedule. Because the love I have for them is amazing and overwhelming to me. I love those two little Chinese girls with all my heart. And I am not posting this to boast or draw attention to me in a noble way that I could love an orphan or anything. In fact, I take absolutely no credit and I just wanted to write this because I am in awe of what God has done in me. I always knew He'd give us the grace to do this, and that He would help us love these girls as our OWN. But He has changed my heart. I am not the mother of three children. I am the mother of five. I would do anything for them. All five of them.
When I talk about our adoption and Lily and Hope and how much I love them I often feel like I am looking at myself or not even myself. When someone might say they are excited for me, I just think, yes, I am excited for me too! When someone says how great it is that we are adopting them I think yes! It is so great! When someone says how they are going to have such a great life and they are so blessed to be in our family I think, YES! They are blessed. Cause we will do anything for them. and we are happy together, me and Daniel! I don't take ANY credit for any of this. God began this work in me. He drew me to the idea of adoption. He sent me to China. He put Lily and Hope so deep in me that I could never get them apart from me.
It's a miracle really. Adoption is a miracle. We love our biological kids for many reasons. We carried them, we gave birth to them. They remind us of ourselves, except cuter. We would do anything to reproduce a little miracle that is part of us and our spouse. And I share in all those feelings. Every one of them. But have you ever considered if you could love a child that didn't look or act or smell like you? And did you just think that you could never do that....and you wonder how others can??? Well, I am telling you that the reason I can is because of God. He is our Provider. His Heart is pure and true and for the orphans. And when He calls someone to adopt, He gives them every resource they need. I believe that now. He is for me. He is for Daniel. He is for Lily and He is for Hope. He will help us raise these girls. He will help us love them they way they deserve. He will help us show them the way to eternal life through Him.
I just write in awe of Him. I am nothing but an empty vessel. A crying empty vessel at that. I cry because two of my children are away from me. I haven't seen them in 7 months. It's been too long. I have faith. My faith has been strengthened. I think I passed the test....or at least failed it and retook it. But now I think I got an A plus. I believe. I believe He will complete this work! I believe He will provide the money we need. I believe He will provide the medical care and surgeries. I believe He will help me to be the mother to Hope and Lily that HE would want me to be. I believe I can organize my house for five children. I believe I can cook more to save money and make my own soap like the Duggar lady!!!! Actually, that's not true. I will never make my own soap. Besides Chantel already told me that if I could ever not afford soap she would buy it for me. : )
I am happy and blessed and full of faith! Even if I cry everyday!