Sunday, August 3, 2014
Photo Update
My Daughter Lily
This summer I realized Lily has problems with her memory. While I had suspected there may be an issue, I have been extremely careful not to project anything upon Lily. Since we knew almost NOTHING about her 9 year history when we got her, I didn't want to put labels on her or even assumptions. I have always expected the best out of Lily and not treated her like she was at a disadvantage of any kind. When it came extremely clear to me this summer that she has memory lapses, I realized that probably much of the three years we've had her she probably hasn't understood as much as I thought.
Lily and I got off to a horrible start in China and the first year and a half didn't improve much. I probably cried and/or had a mini breakdown at least once a month during this time. I knew it would be hard and I knew that Lily didn't mean to personally hurt me, and yet it was still very difficult to keep on smiling and making advances. Lily had ZERO emotion and I had TOO MUCH. Not a good combination!
One of the most difficult things Lily has had to understand and work through is not lying. It is our understanding from Lily and other bits of information we have pieced together that Lily didn't get hardly any interaction with others at the Big O. She lived there for 9 years, yet could not even speak Chinese. She didn't speak. In the three years we've had Lily, I have probably talked to her more than I talked to all the other four kids combined. I have made it a point to talk through everything. We talk through situations and choices and reactions. Talks about what she likes and what she doesn't like, talks about expressing how she feels, talks about tone in voice and inflections, talks about pain and how to tell when you are hurt. Many talks about feelings. By the way, feelings are REALLY hard to teach someone about who has lived in the Big O for 9 years. Because Lily didn't ever get her feelings hurt it was impossible to teach her about hurting other people's feelings.
A few months ago Lily lied to me. Again. I just lost it and cried and looked at her and reminded her of ALL I've done for her and that we've been through and on and on (wanting to show her HUGE emotion of how it made me feel. She got tears in her eyes (tears are few and far between) and just looked at me so sadly. And so deep. Which is rare. Remember, when we got Lily she couldn't even look you straight in the eye. Not at all. She had never had anyone look her straight in the eye and demand attention. So anyway, Lily burst into tears and wailed! She told me that she tries not to lie but she can't help it. She was hysterical. Hysterical. It was an incredible moment for us. It was a breakthrough for us. We cried on the bed together and tried to talk it out.
The biggest problem with Lily's development is me not knowing how much she understands and how much she remembers. So if I think she has grasped a certain issue and think we can progress, I could realize a year later that she didn't grasp it. This is tough. Even so, I've gotten in her mind as much as I think anyone could in these past three years. She is still so much a mystery. She will be 13 in a couple weeks. She is entering second grade. She has done so well in school, already completed 3 years. So far she's kept up with the other kids, although reading is her weakness. SHE HATES IT. And probably hates me most days for pushing her to learn. But she fits in perfectly with the other kids in her grade. There is no way she could advance to the grade she is "supposed to be in" due to her age. It would be so unfair to her anyway. She began her life when we got her. And she's the same size currently as kids starting second grade. So for now, this is where she needs to be and all id going good. In a way, it's good Lily is so little. If she were the size of a normally developing 13 year old and in second grade I think that would pose a bigger problem.
I have always loved Lily. Since I met her four years ago I have loved her. Even when she was mean to me and didn't show any emotion to me I still loved her. Love comes easy for me. BUT it was the attaching that was an issue. So many days and months in the beginning I would just feel like she was someone else's child and I was keeping her for the time being. Trying so hard to connect with her, yet nothing back from her. I would give ANYTHING to know what was in her mind those first two years. She was probably so hurt and confused. Maybe she thought we were sending her back one day (even though I told her we would not again and again). Maybe she thought we didn't care about her like the other caretakers in her life had. Maybe she thought we liked other kids more than her. Or maybe she didn't form any kind of deep thought like that. I still don't know.
I have asked her the same questions over the three years and often get different responses. She is changing. She is growing. She is learning attachment. But she has not attached. But one thing I can say from my end is that my love for her has changed. I have attached to her. I know longer feel like a caretaker. I feel like she is my daughter now. This is probably something that isn't popular to admit. No one wants to say they didn't feel attached to their adopted child. But the truth is, older child adoption isn't about attachment at first sight! It's about a choice that you make and a promise you keep forever. And the choice and promise was easy for me to make for Lily. The attachment took time and work. But now, I see Lily as my own and no one else's. I am confident I know that girl better than anyone on the planet (even if I don't know her fully yet). I am confident we have made huge strides and that we will make even more. I know God chose us to be Lily's parents and I am honored He believed in us! And there is no way we could do it without His help and guidance.
Orphanages and institutions are a sad place for children to live. For a short time, but certainly for years! Some are better than others, I know there are wonderful places that care for orphans. Like foster care homes, it's hard to compare any to another. Children are so precious. Getting into Lily's heart and mind has been eye-opening for me. The damage that neglect can cause on a child is life changing. I know that some people never recover. Lily has a long way to go. She is a tiny little girl that has an extremely wounded spirit and soul and body. All three of her being were affected from the 9 years in the orphanage. But I have seen glimpses of healing in her. I have seen small breakthroughs. I have seen her heart. Though it has been hardened and cold for all those years, I have seen it soften. I have seen her feelings break through. And her mind is learning to think a new way. A healthy way.
Lily has accomplished SO much in three years. I am thankful God put her in a big family. Many opportunities to learn and adapt and grow. I cannot even begin to say how many things the girl has learned (remember, she didn't even know the difference between male and female when we got her, and she had never worn underwear because they still had her in split pants which are common for toddlers to wear in Asia). Even still, I am realizing she didn't understand things in the beginning. For example, just this week I asked her if she understood why she had to have the extensive surgery on her elimination system. She said no. This was a tough time for her and she did not relate well to me while I cared for her recovering from this surgery (which she spent 10 days in the hospital from). No wonder she didn't like me! She probably thought I was just a mean lady torturing her. And yet, we were allowing her to finally get a surgery she had needed for 9 years! Bless her heart. The girl is fearless!
I love my girl. And I think she loves me. She says it now and I think she means it, as much as she understands love. But that's good enough for me. We've made HUGE progress. And I know this is just the beginning. When I think about all that girl survived for 9 years, I still get choked up. How did she make it? She's so tough. Resilient. Unstoppable. I'm looking forward to seeing this girl grow and overcome every obstacle before her!
Friday, August 10, 2012
Feelin the Love
We celebrated Lily's birthday today. Of course, with most abandoned babies, it's hard to really know the exact date they were born unless the biological mom leaves it with a note. The orphanage gave Lily the birthdate of August 12. So we will go with that.
Husband's parents came in from Louisiana today so we decided to party today. Lily chose Chuck E. Cheese's as the party place and we invited all the family to join us.
Lily has only had a couple other parties in her life. The first one she had was at the orphanage almost two years ago when we send her a big cake to share with her friends once we accepted her referral. I have since talked to her about that day, and she definitely had no idea why she was getting that cake. Even if the nannies there had told her that she was going to get a family, she had no clue what a family was. In fact, you might remember me telling you that when we got Lily she didn't even know the difference between male and female.
The second party Lily has had was last year on her birthday when we had her huge birthday party and I made hundreds of cupcakes (which she didn't even eat because she didn't like cupcakes, and still barely does...ironic since we raised a lot of money selling cupcakes)! But last year Lily was still learning about birthdays. Since then, she's had a good year to watch and learn from other kids at parties and this day was different...SHE KNEW WHAT THIS DAY MEANT! AND SHE WAS SO EXCITED!
I have to tell her that moms and dads show they love their kids in lots of different ways. I explain to her that we show little baby Po we love her by kissing her constantly and squeezing her and baby talking and what not. I told her that while we show her love a little bit in that same way, once a kid gets older we can also show love in more ways. Like sending them to a good school, making food for them, telling them what a great job they did. So this morning I told her that another way we were going to show her how much we love her is by making the day really special for her and getting all the family together in honor of her. She got it. Boy did she ever.
"Mom, today I am star? Mom, today I get presents and nobody else? Mom, today I get lots special?"
YES LILY. TODAY YOU ARE THE STAR!
When I watched this video at home I kept replaying it and replaying it. I watched her every little move, her eyes wander around to make sure she is doing everything right and getting the most out of every moment.
I can remember when I got married. My oldest sister told me that I needed to enjoy every moment and soak it in and quit being an emotional bride to be! I needed a wake up call as I was getting a bit stressed and whiny the night before! The next day I got up and realized the moment I was in and enjoyed every moment. I wasn't all a blur. I was taking in every moment of my wedding day.
That was Lily today. And today I reeeeeally felt like she was my daughter today. Somedays I feel more like she is than others. Although I love her unconditionally everyday, some days are tough and we are both working through things that children who live in an institution for 9 years need to work out.
But tonight as I watch the video and grab photos from it on my iPhone, I really feel a lot of love and compassion and joy and happiness for my Lily Love.
She's doing so good. It's hard. Can you imagine? But she tries endlessly to be like us, her new family. She's learning what families do and what they don't do. She is learning all about this new life in America with a family, even still as she has been with us about a year and a half.
And she's really doing so good.
Because we have so far to go to get Lily to be a healthy whole person, we can sometimes not look at her progress enough. But tonight I am just glowing thinking about all her progress. The girl is a fighter, tough as nails. But deep down, she's beginning to open up her heart and all the institutional Lily is starting to break away to get down to the real Lily who feels and knows love!
The other day Po had to get blood drawn. I didn't want to take Lily with me because I knew she would enjoy it too much, but I had no choice. So as Po is starting the scary process of realizing something not fun is about to happen at the lab, Lily cannot hide her excitement anymore. She has always LOVED to see others in painful situations, and she finds great joy when others hurt themselves. Yes, I know. Not right. But she's learning!
So I used the situation (as I do almost every single situation!) to teach Lily. I asked her if she was getting a spanking from Daddy, and I was in the room laughing at her when she cried, how would she feel. She of course shook her head and I knew she wouldn't like it. So in my therapist/mother kind of way I began to ask more about how she felt, making her absolutely use words to describe it and me not giving her any to agree it.
She finally said, "My heart would be sad."
We have worked a lot on this. It's really hard to teach someone compassion. Go ahead. Try it! And let me know how it worked out for you!!! And because Lily is smarter than a baby, but not as smart as her age, it's a unique situation to try to explain to her what she SHOULD be feeling when she doesn't.
Well, today, Lily's heart was glad. In fact, it may have swelled bigger than ever before in her life today. And yes, it was just a big furry rat and some pizza. But to Lily it was more. To Lily is was the GOOD FEELING OF BEING LOVED!!!!!!!!!
Every day a little better and a little further than before. Life with Lily is never dull or easy. But I've never been more proud to call her mine than I was today. In the video I see a precious little girl. Almost like a normal little girl who is reveling in the moment of being the star, and she's not begging for attention or acting out or breaking boundaries or invading personal space to demand it. She's receiving it knowing fully what it is and that there is always more to come and enough to go around in our family and that she will never lack.
in this moment, she was looking to me, as her mother (sniff sniff) like kids do (sniff sniff) when they look at their mothers for affirmation that they are doing the right thing and likewise, that their mother is watching this moment in their lives with them!
So happy we got Lily!!!!!! Worth it all. Every day. Every moment. To know and feel loved. Powerful!
Husband's parents came in from Louisiana today so we decided to party today. Lily chose Chuck E. Cheese's as the party place and we invited all the family to join us.
Lily has only had a couple other parties in her life. The first one she had was at the orphanage almost two years ago when we send her a big cake to share with her friends once we accepted her referral. I have since talked to her about that day, and she definitely had no idea why she was getting that cake. Even if the nannies there had told her that she was going to get a family, she had no clue what a family was. In fact, you might remember me telling you that when we got Lily she didn't even know the difference between male and female.
The second party Lily has had was last year on her birthday when we had her huge birthday party and I made hundreds of cupcakes (which she didn't even eat because she didn't like cupcakes, and still barely does...ironic since we raised a lot of money selling cupcakes)! But last year Lily was still learning about birthdays. Since then, she's had a good year to watch and learn from other kids at parties and this day was different...SHE KNEW WHAT THIS DAY MEANT! AND SHE WAS SO EXCITED!
I have to tell her that moms and dads show they love their kids in lots of different ways. I explain to her that we show little baby Po we love her by kissing her constantly and squeezing her and baby talking and what not. I told her that while we show her love a little bit in that same way, once a kid gets older we can also show love in more ways. Like sending them to a good school, making food for them, telling them what a great job they did. So this morning I told her that another way we were going to show her how much we love her is by making the day really special for her and getting all the family together in honor of her. She got it. Boy did she ever.
"Mom, today I am star? Mom, today I get presents and nobody else? Mom, today I get lots special?"
YES LILY. TODAY YOU ARE THE STAR!
When I watched this video at home I kept replaying it and replaying it. I watched her every little move, her eyes wander around to make sure she is doing everything right and getting the most out of every moment.
I can remember when I got married. My oldest sister told me that I needed to enjoy every moment and soak it in and quit being an emotional bride to be! I needed a wake up call as I was getting a bit stressed and whiny the night before! The next day I got up and realized the moment I was in and enjoyed every moment. I wasn't all a blur. I was taking in every moment of my wedding day.
That was Lily today. And today I reeeeeally felt like she was my daughter today. Somedays I feel more like she is than others. Although I love her unconditionally everyday, some days are tough and we are both working through things that children who live in an institution for 9 years need to work out.
But tonight as I watch the video and grab photos from it on my iPhone, I really feel a lot of love and compassion and joy and happiness for my Lily Love.
She's doing so good. It's hard. Can you imagine? But she tries endlessly to be like us, her new family. She's learning what families do and what they don't do. She is learning all about this new life in America with a family, even still as she has been with us about a year and a half.
And she's really doing so good.
Because we have so far to go to get Lily to be a healthy whole person, we can sometimes not look at her progress enough. But tonight I am just glowing thinking about all her progress. The girl is a fighter, tough as nails. But deep down, she's beginning to open up her heart and all the institutional Lily is starting to break away to get down to the real Lily who feels and knows love!
The other day Po had to get blood drawn. I didn't want to take Lily with me because I knew she would enjoy it too much, but I had no choice. So as Po is starting the scary process of realizing something not fun is about to happen at the lab, Lily cannot hide her excitement anymore. She has always LOVED to see others in painful situations, and she finds great joy when others hurt themselves. Yes, I know. Not right. But she's learning!
So I used the situation (as I do almost every single situation!) to teach Lily. I asked her if she was getting a spanking from Daddy, and I was in the room laughing at her when she cried, how would she feel. She of course shook her head and I knew she wouldn't like it. So in my therapist/mother kind of way I began to ask more about how she felt, making her absolutely use words to describe it and me not giving her any to agree it.
She finally said, "My heart would be sad."
We have worked a lot on this. It's really hard to teach someone compassion. Go ahead. Try it! And let me know how it worked out for you!!! And because Lily is smarter than a baby, but not as smart as her age, it's a unique situation to try to explain to her what she SHOULD be feeling when she doesn't.
Well, today, Lily's heart was glad. In fact, it may have swelled bigger than ever before in her life today. And yes, it was just a big furry rat and some pizza. But to Lily it was more. To Lily is was the GOOD FEELING OF BEING LOVED!!!!!!!!!
Every day a little better and a little further than before. Life with Lily is never dull or easy. But I've never been more proud to call her mine than I was today. In the video I see a precious little girl. Almost like a normal little girl who is reveling in the moment of being the star, and she's not begging for attention or acting out or breaking boundaries or invading personal space to demand it. She's receiving it knowing fully what it is and that there is always more to come and enough to go around in our family and that she will never lack.
in this moment, she was looking to me, as her mother (sniff sniff) like kids do (sniff sniff) when they look at their mothers for affirmation that they are doing the right thing and likewise, that their mother is watching this moment in their lives with them!
So happy we got Lily!!!!!! Worth it all. Every day. Every moment. To know and feel loved. Powerful!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Lily's second surgery: old friends, fezzes, and addictions
Lily had her surgery yesterday here in Shreveport LA on her hip. She was born with a condition called coxa vara of her hip. We didn't even know Lily had this condtion until we got her in China. Daniel noticed one of her hips was higher than the other. She also fell down quite often. And her balance has always been poor.
Last year a nice older gentleman approached me while I was waiting to get Lily and Hope's blood drawn for labwork. He asked about our adoption and asked about Hope's mouth. She hadn't yet gotten her cleft lip and palate fixed. I told him we had selected a surgeon in Dallas when he asked about surgery. Then he looked at Lily and asked me if Lily needed a surgery for anything. I explained that she needed two surgeries and one of them we already had scheduled but we were still looking for a surgeon to fix her hip.
Kenneth Seney then proceeded to tell me that Shriner's Hospital could fix her hip and that they have the finest surgeons. I told him that although I was familiar with Shriner's I didn't think we qualified for acceptance. I can still remember when he told me that no one is ever turned away who they can help medically.
For the next year we have be in awe at the fact of getting such great medical care without a cost to us. Such a rare thing. We have good insurance and my husband works really hard, but last year out of pocket expenses for the three surgeries and Lily's dental work was great. Coming to Shriner's and being so well taken care of is a huge relief and blessing!
Lily's Child Life Specialist is my childhood friend Ashley McMillan. I grew up with Ashley and she was one of my best friends in school. Today when I saw her loving on Lily and checking on her I thought how incredible it was that my dear friend was helping me take care of this little girl we got from thousands of miles away. Ashley is one of the few people I know who are actually working in the profession they got their degree in, and who have a passion for it. She has always been filled to the brim with gentlness, goodness, and compassion. She is perfect for her job and she blesses so many people everyday here at Shriner's.
The surgery was done by Dr. Reinhart who is brand new to Shriners. And guess what her specialty and passion is? Hips! Fun! I told Lily that God picked two people who performed her surgeries who both are the best at what they do and love helping kids! God sure loves Lily Love.
I have always noticed Lily's leg was quite shapely for her age. Now I realize it was because of her hip deformity. It poked out further on her right side. One of the femoral neck bones in her hips didn't form correctly in the womb. Dr. Reinhard inserted a plate and pins into her hip to fix the condition. Today Lily had to begin rehab on her hip and had to do exercises and try to hobble around using a walker. She is going home with a Lily-sized walker and a wheelchair. Johnny is gonna love them!!! We may have to take our annual family photo with them as props. Fun!
It looks like we will go home tomorrow! But in the morning I am going to be interviewed by a local news reporter about Lily's story. I share about Lily and adoption every chance I get, especially if someone specifically asks for more information. Daniel and I have always hoped that our story to adopt Lily and Hope would encourage others to as well. Once you are a part of changing someone's eternal destiny and present day circumstances it's addictive!!! You feel the power of changing someone's life through your obedience to God! And that's why you see so many people go back to get another child. And another. Hey there are WORSE addictions, right??? Like eating toilet paper or drinking monster energy drinks or collecting frog figurines.
My priority tomorrow is to track down some Shriner's for a photo op with Lily! Hat's on to Shriners everywhere!!
Last year a nice older gentleman approached me while I was waiting to get Lily and Hope's blood drawn for labwork. He asked about our adoption and asked about Hope's mouth. She hadn't yet gotten her cleft lip and palate fixed. I told him we had selected a surgeon in Dallas when he asked about surgery. Then he looked at Lily and asked me if Lily needed a surgery for anything. I explained that she needed two surgeries and one of them we already had scheduled but we were still looking for a surgeon to fix her hip.
Kenneth Seney then proceeded to tell me that Shriner's Hospital could fix her hip and that they have the finest surgeons. I told him that although I was familiar with Shriner's I didn't think we qualified for acceptance. I can still remember when he told me that no one is ever turned away who they can help medically.
For the next year we have be in awe at the fact of getting such great medical care without a cost to us. Such a rare thing. We have good insurance and my husband works really hard, but last year out of pocket expenses for the three surgeries and Lily's dental work was great. Coming to Shriner's and being so well taken care of is a huge relief and blessing!
Lily's Child Life Specialist is my childhood friend Ashley McMillan. I grew up with Ashley and she was one of my best friends in school. Today when I saw her loving on Lily and checking on her I thought how incredible it was that my dear friend was helping me take care of this little girl we got from thousands of miles away. Ashley is one of the few people I know who are actually working in the profession they got their degree in, and who have a passion for it. She has always been filled to the brim with gentlness, goodness, and compassion. She is perfect for her job and she blesses so many people everyday here at Shriner's.
The surgery was done by Dr. Reinhart who is brand new to Shriners. And guess what her specialty and passion is? Hips! Fun! I told Lily that God picked two people who performed her surgeries who both are the best at what they do and love helping kids! God sure loves Lily Love.
I have always noticed Lily's leg was quite shapely for her age. Now I realize it was because of her hip deformity. It poked out further on her right side. One of the femoral neck bones in her hips didn't form correctly in the womb. Dr. Reinhard inserted a plate and pins into her hip to fix the condition. Today Lily had to begin rehab on her hip and had to do exercises and try to hobble around using a walker. She is going home with a Lily-sized walker and a wheelchair. Johnny is gonna love them!!! We may have to take our annual family photo with them as props. Fun!
It looks like we will go home tomorrow! But in the morning I am going to be interviewed by a local news reporter about Lily's story. I share about Lily and adoption every chance I get, especially if someone specifically asks for more information. Daniel and I have always hoped that our story to adopt Lily and Hope would encourage others to as well. Once you are a part of changing someone's eternal destiny and present day circumstances it's addictive!!! You feel the power of changing someone's life through your obedience to God! And that's why you see so many people go back to get another child. And another. Hey there are WORSE addictions, right??? Like eating toilet paper or drinking monster energy drinks or collecting frog figurines.
My priority tomorrow is to track down some Shriner's for a photo op with Lily! Hat's on to Shriners everywhere!!
Friday, June 22, 2012
Lily update
Lily loves to eat. She thinks about food all day long. If I'm cooking she wants to know if I'm cooking breakfast, lunch or dinner. She asks what I'm cooking next. And tomorrow. When she has a full plate at the table she gets nervous if someone gets a second helping. Her eyes frantically move to every plate on the table trying to sum up who has eaten what. She can't stand it! She asks for more. I say Lily we don't ask for more when we have food on our plate. Lily has eaten so much this first year with us I don't know how she fits it in her body! She is still small but her hips and thighs and belly have filled out. She is proud of this! After a year I've finally started cutting her off and now she realizes when she's full and I think she's no longer afraid she will not get fed. I think!
Her superior doctor Alberto Pena, the most famous and best pediatruc anorectal surgeon in the world, asked me a question a when I was there for her follow up. He said, "Do you want me to tell you how to make it easiest for you and her and for her to have the best results with this surgery?" Duh! No, I didn't say that! I said of course but wondered why he would have to ask that question. He went on to tell me that Lily should eat three meals a day from here on, and no snacks. And that she should eat the same foods each time. That we should get her on such a tight schedule that her bowel movements are on time and predictable.
Now that we've been home for almost half a year from the surgery I realize why he asked me this question. Because its extremely hard to do and probably no one does it and then we all call him telling him all the problems we have had with our children because of what and how much they ate.
When I stick to this rule I feel like the mean old stepmom. And Lily thinks of me that way. And others who hear me refuse her a snack or fruit juice probably feel the same way. So when it's gets bad Husband and I always realize we need to go back to the rule! But think about this rule on weekends, while on vacations, while her friends are eating snack at school.....it's hard.
All in all I think Lily has recoverd great from her surgery. Her elimination system is not perfect or normal. She does have accidents and it usually happens after eating certain foods although we have not pinpointed them yet. And most certainly it will happen at Silver Dollar City in the middle of the park when I don't have any extra clothes for her! While we were on vacation I had all my kids eating extra fruit and juice to avoid the dreaded vacation constipation of your kids that can ruin your day! I had Lily eating bread, rice, pasta, and bananas! She was not happy about it but the days I took her off that we spent countless trips back and forth to the bathroom on our beach day.
In the beginning of me and Lily I was always worried about what she thought of me. I was often hurt and offended by her actions to me. It consumed my thoughts! It upset me greatly. Husband would always say, "Honey, don't take it personally. Who cares what she thinks! Just blow it off." And now I tell him that he was right about that. He had such a positive and balanced perspective of our adoption of Lily. From the start. And still does. He loved her wholly from day one and loves her more each day. But he realized that the way she was acting and still even does cannot be taken to heart, as she was just trying to survive and figure out her new life and still is.
Now I parent her just like my other kids. When she begs for juice I say, "Tough. Mommy said no." Just like I'd say to my other kids! And when she pouts and glares at me I let it roll off my back and move on. And you know what? It works. She shakes it off and doesn't take it personal either!
I am extremely independent. I raise my kids to do things for themselves. I don't baby them. So with Lily, even though I know she missed out on the babying when she younger, I just feel like it will create a baby out of her. She is strong and fierce. She will be such a go getter in life. So when she scrapes herself, in the beginning she wouldn't even cry or tell us. Now she will tell me every single little things that happens to her even if I cannot even see the scratch! She doesn't whine or cry but she will come up to me and say with a stoic face, "I hurt myself." I acknowledge it and then play it down.
So it's a constant balance and such of giving her extra loving but not creating a spoiled whiny baby out of her. Which she was neither when we got her so it would be a shame for her to become that.
But every day I realize Lily and I have come so far. And we have a good relationship now. I think it will deepen as she is able to comprehend more deep things such as love and feelings.
The greatest dislike/feels-like-torture to Lily in her new life is bedtime. Every day she tells me outloud what day it is (which is always wrong the first three attempts) and asks me if she has to go to bed early. We have the bedtime schedule written on the wall which I always refer to. Bedtime shifts her into a sulken state when everything bad in her life comes to mind....which currently could only be bedtime! On weekends when her bedtime is later she twirls around the house peering out the window realizing the sun has indeed gone down and she is still free! Then she starts her weekend bedtime negotiations/begging to get Phoebe or Johnny to let them sleep with her. Which is directly correspondent with the numbers of times Lily annoyed them or told on them that day.
The first few months after we got her she would wake up three times a night to look around the house to see if anyone was up. I knew she wasn't sleeping well and every time she would open her door I would wake up. So I told her she was no longer allowed to get out of her bed until she saw the hall light on every morning. She complained of how she would need to go to the bathroom which I told her she would just have to hold it. Now she sleeps so soundly (and has never once needed to use the bathroom in the night) that it's like waking up JOHNNY or PHOEBE in the mornings....which is misery.
She just completed K-4. We chose to start her in K-4 instead of K-5 so she could have a particular teacher as her first teacher. And Lily did great! She started with only having about 5 months of hearing English under her belt. And she was able to comprehend everything the other 4 year olds did. She is their size and at their brain capacity. And she loved it!!! So we are not rushing her. It seems like this is the perfect place for Lily. She lost 9 years of her life in China so by starting her in K-4 and letting her grow up slowly it will allow her to relive those years. She deserves it and it will help her adjust and hopefully have a healthier childhood.
She doesn't talk about China. Ever. When I mention it you can tell it makes her uncomfortable. I want her to remember China because it was her life until God stepped in and rescued her. I want her to learn gratefulness for what God and others have done for her. I want her to be able to share her story with others one day for God's glory and the healing of others. But I'm afraid her mind has done its best to eat up all those years and never return to them. Which I know is a survival mechanism.
So she will start K-5 as an 11 year old! And possibly could have braces this school year! Lily is special. She doesn't fit into any box. She is unique. I realize this more and more as I see Po grow and relate "normally" and can possibly even understand situations better than Lily at times. We can't treat her normally because Lily's needs are different than the other kids. We can't treat her too different or she will feel like an outcast. We depend on the Holy Spirit to show us what is right for her in every season. And we know that He has given us the best discernment for her life so it helps us not feel insecure about others' opinions of our parenting her.
We are going to Shreveport to have her second surgery next week at Shriners Hospital. She has a condition called coax Vera in her hip and it will need a special plate and pin inserted in it to fix it. Then we are going to have her tested for human growth hormone deficiency since she is still so short. She's almost 11 and if we can do anything to help her grow before puberty then we want to. Although Lily just might be little. And that's ok too.
I'll post more updates when we get to Shriners next week.
Her superior doctor Alberto Pena, the most famous and best pediatruc anorectal surgeon in the world, asked me a question a when I was there for her follow up. He said, "Do you want me to tell you how to make it easiest for you and her and for her to have the best results with this surgery?" Duh! No, I didn't say that! I said of course but wondered why he would have to ask that question. He went on to tell me that Lily should eat three meals a day from here on, and no snacks. And that she should eat the same foods each time. That we should get her on such a tight schedule that her bowel movements are on time and predictable.
Now that we've been home for almost half a year from the surgery I realize why he asked me this question. Because its extremely hard to do and probably no one does it and then we all call him telling him all the problems we have had with our children because of what and how much they ate.
When I stick to this rule I feel like the mean old stepmom. And Lily thinks of me that way. And others who hear me refuse her a snack or fruit juice probably feel the same way. So when it's gets bad Husband and I always realize we need to go back to the rule! But think about this rule on weekends, while on vacations, while her friends are eating snack at school.....it's hard.
All in all I think Lily has recoverd great from her surgery. Her elimination system is not perfect or normal. She does have accidents and it usually happens after eating certain foods although we have not pinpointed them yet. And most certainly it will happen at Silver Dollar City in the middle of the park when I don't have any extra clothes for her! While we were on vacation I had all my kids eating extra fruit and juice to avoid the dreaded vacation constipation of your kids that can ruin your day! I had Lily eating bread, rice, pasta, and bananas! She was not happy about it but the days I took her off that we spent countless trips back and forth to the bathroom on our beach day.
In the beginning of me and Lily I was always worried about what she thought of me. I was often hurt and offended by her actions to me. It consumed my thoughts! It upset me greatly. Husband would always say, "Honey, don't take it personally. Who cares what she thinks! Just blow it off." And now I tell him that he was right about that. He had such a positive and balanced perspective of our adoption of Lily. From the start. And still does. He loved her wholly from day one and loves her more each day. But he realized that the way she was acting and still even does cannot be taken to heart, as she was just trying to survive and figure out her new life and still is.
Now I parent her just like my other kids. When she begs for juice I say, "Tough. Mommy said no." Just like I'd say to my other kids! And when she pouts and glares at me I let it roll off my back and move on. And you know what? It works. She shakes it off and doesn't take it personal either!
I am extremely independent. I raise my kids to do things for themselves. I don't baby them. So with Lily, even though I know she missed out on the babying when she younger, I just feel like it will create a baby out of her. She is strong and fierce. She will be such a go getter in life. So when she scrapes herself, in the beginning she wouldn't even cry or tell us. Now she will tell me every single little things that happens to her even if I cannot even see the scratch! She doesn't whine or cry but she will come up to me and say with a stoic face, "I hurt myself." I acknowledge it and then play it down.
So it's a constant balance and such of giving her extra loving but not creating a spoiled whiny baby out of her. Which she was neither when we got her so it would be a shame for her to become that.
But every day I realize Lily and I have come so far. And we have a good relationship now. I think it will deepen as she is able to comprehend more deep things such as love and feelings.
The greatest dislike/feels-like-torture to Lily in her new life is bedtime. Every day she tells me outloud what day it is (which is always wrong the first three attempts) and asks me if she has to go to bed early. We have the bedtime schedule written on the wall which I always refer to. Bedtime shifts her into a sulken state when everything bad in her life comes to mind....which currently could only be bedtime! On weekends when her bedtime is later she twirls around the house peering out the window realizing the sun has indeed gone down and she is still free! Then she starts her weekend bedtime negotiations/begging to get Phoebe or Johnny to let them sleep with her. Which is directly correspondent with the numbers of times Lily annoyed them or told on them that day.
The first few months after we got her she would wake up three times a night to look around the house to see if anyone was up. I knew she wasn't sleeping well and every time she would open her door I would wake up. So I told her she was no longer allowed to get out of her bed until she saw the hall light on every morning. She complained of how she would need to go to the bathroom which I told her she would just have to hold it. Now she sleeps so soundly (and has never once needed to use the bathroom in the night) that it's like waking up JOHNNY or PHOEBE in the mornings....which is misery.
She just completed K-4. We chose to start her in K-4 instead of K-5 so she could have a particular teacher as her first teacher. And Lily did great! She started with only having about 5 months of hearing English under her belt. And she was able to comprehend everything the other 4 year olds did. She is their size and at their brain capacity. And she loved it!!! So we are not rushing her. It seems like this is the perfect place for Lily. She lost 9 years of her life in China so by starting her in K-4 and letting her grow up slowly it will allow her to relive those years. She deserves it and it will help her adjust and hopefully have a healthier childhood.
She doesn't talk about China. Ever. When I mention it you can tell it makes her uncomfortable. I want her to remember China because it was her life until God stepped in and rescued her. I want her to learn gratefulness for what God and others have done for her. I want her to be able to share her story with others one day for God's glory and the healing of others. But I'm afraid her mind has done its best to eat up all those years and never return to them. Which I know is a survival mechanism.
So she will start K-5 as an 11 year old! And possibly could have braces this school year! Lily is special. She doesn't fit into any box. She is unique. I realize this more and more as I see Po grow and relate "normally" and can possibly even understand situations better than Lily at times. We can't treat her normally because Lily's needs are different than the other kids. We can't treat her too different or she will feel like an outcast. We depend on the Holy Spirit to show us what is right for her in every season. And we know that He has given us the best discernment for her life so it helps us not feel insecure about others' opinions of our parenting her.
We are going to Shreveport to have her second surgery next week at Shriners Hospital. She has a condition called coax Vera in her hip and it will need a special plate and pin inserted in it to fix it. Then we are going to have her tested for human growth hormone deficiency since she is still so short. She's almost 11 and if we can do anything to help her grow before puberty then we want to. Although Lily just might be little. And that's ok too.
I'll post more updates when we get to Shriners next week.
Monday, June 11, 2012
snapshots of Lily's life
Lily's earliest photo in the paper of her hometown. All lost or abandoned children must have their photo posted by law for their parents to claim.
my guess: 4
my guess: 6
My guess: 7
8 and a half, Summer 2010
9, February 2011, the night Lily became ours
9, First night home in America!
9, scared to step on the grass, she didn't know what it was :(
9, Summer 2011
10, First ever school photo, September 2011
10, Lily's first ever teacher, Mrs. Lutherbeck
10, Lily's surgery, October 2011
10, Lily meets Pooh at Disney World
10, Spring 2012
10, Lily meets the ocean for the first time ever! Summer 2012
picture time
Mexican Po
Cute Lily
Summer Po
Two of Po's favorites: RaRa (as she calls Robert) and Daddy
Po in her ever versatile sleep sack! We have to put it on her inside out with a shirt over it or she gets out of it and throws it out of the crib and takes off her diaper and wakes up at 3 am covered in pee. Yes, i know...gross!
Cute Lily
Summer Po
Two of Po's favorites: RaRa (as she calls Robert) and Daddy
Po in her ever versatile sleep sack! We have to put it on her inside out with a shirt over it or she gets out of it and throws it out of the crib and takes off her diaper and wakes up at 3 am covered in pee. Yes, i know...gross!
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